This is so I can record and try to understand. This is for me. No one else will understand
To quote a well used cliche in my denomination, "God touched me." How do you explain that? In fact He barely touched me. I was afraid because I desperately did not want alter call to be just going through the motions, nor did I want it to be some big emotion whoop-tee-doo. But to refuse to go forward and pray... that was worse... that would have clearly been a decision to say NO to God. I did not want to hear what I heard. I heard what I needed to hear. How is it that God pours words/language/communication into us so big so real...so very fully big and complex. I can only remember bits and pieces of what God "said" as language words. The rest of it has been embedded in me and left there to do it's work of ... I can't explain...the WORDs were like a team of powerful search destroy "bugs" for lack of a better word...(this is too hard to understand and explain)... but the WORDs left in me will finish the work of eating away all the rest of what they came to remove in me??... Room must be made and the deeply embedded cancerous fingers of reservation within me must be found and destroyed.
God said something really funny at the very end of the prayer. I wish I could remember what was so funny. ... I wish I could remember what God said to me.
I know this sounds crazy. I know it sounds exactly what I didn't want it to be ... like it was just some emotional overload made up hippie-dippie experience.
These words recorded here are being shared because I (me / Sam) need to read them again later. I will tell you the truth. I am ruined but it is a good ruined. I am undone and broken spiritually on my face. Oh to be touched again to rise.
OH! I REMEMBER SOMETHING ELSE!! He did say I would get to know (really know) what living Philippians 3:7-11 would be like. Which does mean a great deal of loss, but I will KNOW HIM! And that is my hearts desire.
Part of me still doesn't want it to be true, the ripping away, the pain, ... and more. BUT I do truly want more of Him, I asked for more of Him, and I really meant it. He will not tell me why, or how, or what, or when (except soon) all of this will play out. He will not let me prepare in myself. But He will be there and I can trust Him. He will give me wisdom and discernment.
I will walk .... I will follow Him.
To quote a well used cliche in my denomination, "God touched me." How do you explain that? In fact He barely touched me. I was afraid because I desperately did not want alter call to be just going through the motions, nor did I want it to be some big emotion whoop-tee-doo. But to refuse to go forward and pray... that was worse... that would have clearly been a decision to say NO to God. I did not want to hear what I heard. I heard what I needed to hear. How is it that God pours words/language/communication into us so big so real...so very fully big and complex. I can only remember bits and pieces of what God "said" as language words. The rest of it has been embedded in me and left there to do it's work of ... I can't explain...the WORDs were like a team of powerful search destroy "bugs" for lack of a better word...(this is too hard to understand and explain)... but the WORDs left in me will finish the work of eating away all the rest of what they came to remove in me??... Room must be made and the deeply embedded cancerous fingers of reservation within me must be found and destroyed.
God said something really funny at the very end of the prayer. I wish I could remember what was so funny. ... I wish I could remember what God said to me.
I know this sounds crazy. I know it sounds exactly what I didn't want it to be ... like it was just some emotional overload made up hippie-dippie experience.
These words recorded here are being shared because I (me / Sam) need to read them again later. I will tell you the truth. I am ruined but it is a good ruined. I am undone and broken spiritually on my face. Oh to be touched again to rise.
OH! I REMEMBER SOMETHING ELSE!! He did say I would get to know (really know) what living Philippians 3:7-11 would be like. Which does mean a great deal of loss, but I will KNOW HIM! And that is my hearts desire.
(10) I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, (11) and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
Part of me still doesn't want it to be true, the ripping away, the pain, ... and more. BUT I do truly want more of Him, I asked for more of Him, and I really meant it. He will not tell me why, or how, or what, or when (except soon) all of this will play out. He will not let me prepare in myself. But He will be there and I can trust Him. He will give me wisdom and discernment.
I will walk .... I will follow Him.
Holding out the Word of Light of Love, Life and Hope
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