Thoughts on the Cross

I am at a place in my life of true struggle. God in His love is showing me my LACK and the selfish wants I just don't know how to get rid of. In this struggle I have tried and tried and tried to do better and to remember and abide that I might have "these things in increasing measure". I have confessed and turned away only to turn again.

My faith is weak - my "knees" are feeble and trembling from this revolving door (repentance walk stumble sin repentance walk stumble sin repentance...) and weary from true grief over letting Him down, and greater grief over lack of victory. Yesterday I told God I am stuck at the foot of the cross, I do not seem to be able to take hold of the Power of the Resurrection.

Those who has seen me in the secret place with God, those who have prayed and worshipped with me have heard me say the following: What does God require of you? Only that which you are unwilling to give.

Here's the thing - the thing that is causing me great pain at the moment, is that my spirit desperately WANTS to give these things to Him, but my flesh has such a tight hold on.

There are TWO sins loud and clear

*LACK: of the moment to moment trust in God that brings peace and power totally unrelated to circumstances and

*SELF-LOVE; (sigh-sniff) I didn't know how to really define this yesterday, but I knew of it and felt myself bargaining with myself and God over it. It is so hard to let go of the desire to be found acceptable and approved of within the setting of the earth and our culture. Then this morning God lead me to read a couple of excerpts from 100 Days in the Secret Place. I realized what the name of this sin was; self-love. Those who know me might argue that the opposite is true, because I have struggled with a negative self-perception. But this kind of self-love is born of that desperate place of lack. I work so hard, I try so hard, it is so important to me to make a difference a positive difference. Even in my spiritual walk I struggle and strive to show the love of God, to do what is right and good. While there is nothing wrong with excellence, or loving others to make a difference in their lives, nor striving toward Godliness, this is still the sin of self-love, because it is about my comfort and my glory MORE than it is about His.

In this book, 100 Days in the secret place, it reminded me that it is the work of the cross that does this work that I can not do - this work of defeating the self-love and filling the lack. I must not try to rush through this work - although painful - because the urge to rush through is just resistance of the purifying work of God.

Excerpts from 100 Days In The Secret Place - Chapter: Way of the Cross

Christ did not say, "If anyone will come after me, let him enjoy himself, let him be gorgeously dressed, let him be drunk with delight." He never even said, "Be glad that you are perfect and that you can see how well you are doing." No, Jesus said, "If anyone will come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me."

Paul tells you that you desire to be clothes, but it is necessary that you be stripped before you can put on Christ. Allow Him to strip your self-love of every covering so that you might receive the white robe washed in the blood of the Lamb. You need only His purity.

~~~prayer~~~

God help me to let go and just let you do this work although painful, please uncover the self-love, I choose to trust you and your love. Help me and change me - as you are so lovingly doing. Thank you for this wisdom this morning.

I am yours

and

I want to be wholly and fully yours.

Thank you Lord for the cross - here I will stay until you accomplish what only you can do.

Lord I pray for others that you are lovingly purifying, I ask that You fill their lives with Your Words as encouragement, and that You fill them with the Faith and Confidence that comes through You alone.