shaking in my boots, holding the hand of the Almighty

This ...

"Be earnest and unwearied and steadfast in your prayer life, being both alert and intent in your praying with thanksgiving."
~ The Apostle Paul
From his letter to the consecrated people of God

And this ...

"Never is a woman so fulfilled as when she chooses to underwhelm her schedule so she can let God overwhelm her soul." - Lysa TerKeurst 

Led me to this simple confession and contemplation.

Seasons come and seasons go.

But some seasons are like getting promoted from 3rd grade (where my skills are sharp and my confidence strong - performing multiple digit mathematics and even multiplication and division with excellence).  Only to discover that this new level is like a college Level Calculus course. What!?!?!?!  I don't even know where to get started and it seems everyone around me knows so much more and has so much more skill than me.

BUT this is feeling and perspection.  I know both have a tendency to exaggerate and sometimes even downright lie to me.

So I am curious and asking God to tell me what is the truth. Is my spiritual state kind of like my physical one, lacking strength from lack of exercise and feasting too much on the wrong foods?  I think it may be some of that (it is always some of that because I am always in a battle with my sinful selfish lazy fleshy desires). But I think that it is more than that.

This last season, was a season where God was bringing me to a vantage point to see what was missing in my "spirit man", things I couldn't see before.  This is not a high place He brought me to; not a mountain top experience, but a desert one.  I feel like this season I am coming to the end of is like a long walk through the desert ending with a view into the Grand Canyon of my lack. The first few times of looking in are so discouraging, and to be honest, I have sat and pouted and "refused to eat or drink" and wallowed in my self pity. But God is merciful, faithful and loving, He provided His Word and His Spirit even when I was pouting, and I began to not just think about the concept of what humility is but to willingly and open heartedly learn what true humility is.  I am only just learning, but I can tell you this with certainty.  It is looking into the Grand Canyon of our lack, knowing it needed to be filled within my lifetime and knowing I am not capable of filling it, but stand there and trust that God is able.

So here I am, a seasoned Christ following woman in her middle years, looking around with my spiritual eyes and wondering, how in the world did I get put in the positions I am put in, and when in the world my life will reflect in deeds, the passionate reasoned out convictions of my heart.

I am not enough.  I know I frustrate God with telling Him so; as if that is going to be some great revelation to Him, and as if my lack (which looks huge to me) were somehow able to keep God from using me and accomplishing the purposes for His Kingdom and glory He through me and in me. Like Moses' stuttering could have possibly been the thing that prevented God from using Moses to set His people free.  To be sure I am no Moses, but God does have a purpose and a critical role for each of us in each season of our lives, myself included.

Still, I am unsure of my ability to confidently fight for some things without creating concerns in those who are in authority over me.  Plus, the truth is that I do spiritually and emotionally carry the effects of the walk and camp in this desert place.  I waiver a bit, and wonder do I even have the spiritual and mental fortitude to see through to the end the things I think I hear God calling me to.  These things are simple things, but we should never mistake simple for easy.

That is all...

This is where I stand today.  Approaching the end of one season, looking through the door of the next, knowing who my God is and knowing who I am. I look behind me. I look to my left, at the gaping canyon of lack, and to my right, at my Almighty Father who holds me by my right hand.  And then I look forward. I feel intimidated to be sure. But God isn't. So I squeeze His Hand tighter, take a deep breath and put my trust back in His abilities (again for the 100th plus time already today).

It may feel like I am getting ready to be moved from 3rd grade math to college level Calculus, BUT I am learning how to be content in God, whether in lack or in plenty.  He can be trusted. I am His.  I am His Workmanship.  In all things I press on to bring Him glory and to build His Kingdom.

**shaking in my boots**   **holding the hand of the Almighty**